I'm going to jail i love you
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
