No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
