She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
