I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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