I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
