You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
