I forgot how hot balto sounded
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
