I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
