They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
