I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
