I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
