My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
