His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
In America we eat man semen.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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