Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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