At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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