I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
