Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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