I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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