Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
