Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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