I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
