my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
