Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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