i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
