I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
