just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Sorry about my life...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
