You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
