FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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