I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
