Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
