My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
