I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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