Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
