I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
