Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
