Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
