I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize