I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
