he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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