You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
we're so committed to being not committed
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
