im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
