Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
