I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
