Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
