Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
