I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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