Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
