If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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