I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
