My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
