Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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