Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
