So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
