the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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