i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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