Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
