Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
