11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize